Ri likes to sleep with his head on my breast. (I am unable to get him out of this habit and have given up for the time being.) One night when I was really tired and wanted to sleep, Ri decided on that particular night to get on with his fight with sleep and hence kept turning around on me, punching me and keeping me awake. Exasperated, I finally yelled at him pushed him off me turned my back towards him and went off to sleep. (Usually I am very patient with him but I kind of lost it that night) I have no idea when he slept; he lay on the bed silently.
Middle of the night he woke me up with an overflowed diaper. I was up and got a change of diapers and pajamas. After I changed him he hugged me tight and said, “Mama, ar bokbe na toh, amar peeche hoye ghumobe na toh?” (Mama, you won’t yell at me again, right? You won’t turn around and sleep again?)
That statement hit me like nothing ever had. I couldn’t sleep anymore that night. I held him close to me and wept all night. I kept whispering ‘sorry’ to him as I watched him sleep peacefully.
I have been stern with Ri before for disciplining him. I have probably shouted at him a couple of times when he has been extremely stubborn, but that has been rare. But this, this was without a reason; this was out of my selfishness and this had hurt him.
I am actually a very short tempered person. And when I am angry I do yell crazy. I thought I had managed to get over this but a few days back I yelled again, at SSM. He managed to ruin something which was very close to my heart. Very very close. I was livid when I saw it ruined. Furious, hurt, sad everything rolled in one I couldn’t contain my emotions and I yelled the hell out of SSM. I yelled and cried and yelled again.
I again cried all night.
Next morning I was still hurt and sad but not angry anymore. It was an accident after all. SSM didn’t mean it. It wasn’t fair. I had hurt him. I felt bad and got back to vowing to myself again that I won’t yell unnecessarily again.
That’s all. End of post.